so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
