checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
