Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
