filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
