im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
