This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
be right there i have to get my cape
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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