I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
it's like iHOP with fire
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
