I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
