You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
