Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Sober January is a disaster.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
