Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
