I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
