I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
