Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
