mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize