you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
