Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
