foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Randomize
