I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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