I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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