he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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