my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
