Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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