my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
