Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
