The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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