Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
