My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
