I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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