Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
