I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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