How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
