when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
