i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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