I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
