dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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