The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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