I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
