Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
