i need an iv and a liver transplant
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
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