I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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