So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
