Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
