you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
