I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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