Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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