just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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