Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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