mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
