for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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