I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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