My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
