considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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