I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
