I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
